From the Oxford Mail: “Lord Mayor Faces Tree Row Rap”

It doesn’t say:

Residents of tranquil Osney Island awoke yesterday to find a landmark under threat, when an official with a clipboard was seen walking around the local councillor and prodding her with a spike. On being questioned, he revealed that there had been concerns over public liability issues surrounding the councillor for some time. Although a measure of popularity had grown up for her over the years, the councillor had reached a stage in her development when her stability was open to question. This year, she had taken on a distinctive, rich, mayoral foliage usually only seen once in the species’ lifecycle. The extra weight involved meant that it might only take a storm about local democracy to blow the councillor in a direction that could be catastrophic. If that happened, there was no way for the council to know which way she would go, and she could come down on the wrong side. Liability would then become a serious issue for the council, in that it would be liable to look foolish. It is almost unheard-of for a councillor to be felled in its full mayoral foliage, but an expert hired by the council has confirmed that the specimen may be ideologically unsound and leaning dangerously towards the views of electors. Osney residents last night joined hands around the councillor and sang songs, to piano accompaniment. “They can sing all they like,” a council spokesman said. “We’ll just spread a few false rumours about timing and then turn up and chop her down and chip her when nobody’s looking.”